Keeping with tradition: Somebody tell us a joke

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joette ✞

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Miette said:
MENOPAUSE JEWELLERY

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big f * ckin' red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
LOL LOL :p
 
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Having an IQ barely above freezing...

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good
home.You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without
even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were
too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed
the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.
Caution... They Walk Among Us! :p
 

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A husband is watching the football, when his wife interrupts:

'Could you fix the hall light? It's been flickering for weeks now'

He looks at her and says, angrily:
'Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have ELECTRICITY BOARD printed on
my forehead? I don't think so!'

'Well then,could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly.

' Fix the fridge door? does it look like I have HOTPOINT written on my
forehead? I don't think so!'

'Fine', she says, 'Well then, could you at least fix the steps to the
front door? They are about to break up.

' Does it look as though I've got HOME DEPOT written on my forehead? I
don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub.'

So, he goes to the pub and drinks until closing time.

When he arrives home, he notices the steps are fixed and the light has
stopped flickering. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that
the fridge door is also fixed.

'Hey, honey how did all these get fixed?'

'Well,' she said 'When you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice

young man asked me what was wrong - so I told him. He offered to do all the

repairs and all I had do was either bake him a cake OR have sex with him.'

So, what kind of cake did you bake him?'

'She replied: 'HELLO!!!..... Do you see MR KIPLING or AUNT SARAH'S written

on my forehead? I don't think so!'

 

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These are genuine clips from UK council flat tenants complaining to the

council about problems with their flats......



1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 a.m. His cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

6. . . . . . .and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it's a funny colour & not fit to drink.

16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.




 
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Strange things to say when stressed

1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"

2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!"

3. "How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"

4. "This day sure was a total waste of make-up"

5. "Well, aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"

6. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

7. "Do I look like a fucking people person!"

8. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"

9. "I started out with nothing still have most of it left"

10. "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"

11. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"

12. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

13. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

14. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

15. "I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"

16. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

17. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"

18. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."

19. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"

20. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

21. "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport
 
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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?", they asked.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project" said Tommy.

The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!"

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times
 

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A chicken farmer went to a local bar... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man ... "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying
fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he replied.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence"
 

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Two nuns driving down a country lane, and a vampire swoops down onto the bonnet.
Sister Mary says to Sister Frances "Quick sister, show him your cross"
Sister Frances gets out of the car "OI, VAMPIRE, F*** OFF"!
 

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This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death. However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself, and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies "It's simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again. Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all over the ground. Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says "Superman, you can be a real b@stard when you're drunk!"
 

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Vampire Bat
>
>
> A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered
>in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
>
> Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began
>hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let
>him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
>
> :OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds
>of excited bats behind him.
>
> Down through a valley they went across a river and into a huge
>forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled
>around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
>
>

> "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
> "YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
> "Good for you!" said the first bat, "Because I f****ng didn't."
 

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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Erm, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a university student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs "What do you mean, 200 Quid!?"
 

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Hoax warnings don't usually scare me, but this one is important........
Please send it to everyone on your email list.

If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey and asks you to show them your arse, DO NOT show them your arse.

This is a scam; they just want to see your arse.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap
 
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joette ✞

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mac said:
Vampire Bat
>
>
> A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered
>in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
>
> Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began
>hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let
>him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
>
> :OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds
>of excited bats behind him.
>
> Down through a valley they went across a river and into a huge
>forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled
>around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
>
>

> "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
> "YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
> "Good for you!" said the first bat, "Because I f****ng didn't."
LMAO ..Mac! :crazy:
 
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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'... :crazy:
 

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In a exclusive convent of an equally reclusive monastic order far removed from the temptations of a decadent world, the Mother Superior is preparing her very young charges to integrate into society with positive and pure hearts.

She asks individual young and proper girls to present their ambitions in life with or without vocation. Marie Madgalene's turn is up and she takes a deep knowing breath. The whole class listens intensely to the Head Girl. She says: "I want to be a Prostitute..." The entire class gasps, jaws drop and brows are raised, breaths are held and the entire classroom misses a heart beat....

The Mother Superior pricks up her ears, sits up ramrod straight up her backside, stares intently at her innocent charge and stands up... she walks slowly and deliberately to the desk of the young child and says with barely restrained disbelief: WHAT DID YOU SAY SWEET CHILD OF MINE !!!....

Marie Magdalene repeats carefully and deliberately with a connecting look and smile at Mother Superior: I SAID: I WANT TO BE A P-R-O-S-T-I-T-U-T-E....

The entire classroom gasps anew and misses another hear beat...Mother Superior looks intentely at this sweet soul over a prolonged missed heart beat, raises her hand vigorously before lowering it slowly onto the young girl's cheek with a rye - and knowing - glimmer of a smile at the corner of her mouth and says:

WHY MY CHILD, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY PROTESTANT...
 

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Dear Sir

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 that I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiance 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to, because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and CleanHouse2000.

Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip! These latter products have no Help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.

Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express, which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources.

It also conflicts with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT program it often crashes or runs the system dry.

Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems. A friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it could delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Any ideas?
 
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joette ✞

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[color:blue]AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A
TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN 'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

HAVE A GOOD ONE![/color]
 
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Howdy Bigun this ones for you ;)

Alabama Blonde

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive
Blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars
($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play
Topless.'

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolle d the dice; and yelled, 'Come on,
Southern Girl needs new clothes!'

As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and squealed
'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings, and her
Clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know... I thought you were watching.'



Moral of the story:

Not all Southerners are stupid.

Not all blondes are dumb.

But all men... Are men.

 

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Victoria Beckham was being driven around the countryside in her limo. Suddenly a cow walked into the road and, unable to stop in time, the limo hit the cow. Slightly shaken up, the driver went to see if the cow was alright.

"Is it alright ?" asked Victoria.

The driver prodded the cow with his foot and shook his head.

"No ma'am, it's dead"

"Well, you were driving, so you can go and tell the farmer what happened!"

So the driver went off to the nearby farm. A couple of hours later he came back holding a bottle of wine, his clothes scruffy and messed up.

"Oh my goodness, what happened to you? Victoria asked.

"Well ma'am," explained the driver, "the farmer gave me this bottle of wine, the farmers wife gave me a kiss and their daughter made love to me."

"just what the hell did you say to them?"

The driver replied

"I'm Victoria Beckham's driver and I've just killed the cow."
 
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