Keeping with tradition: Somebody tell us a joke

The Dude

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BASIC TRAINING : The ‘GOLDEN RULES’ revised
1.You are not a superman.
2.If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
3.Don't look conspicuous-it draws fire.(This is why aircraft carries are called, "Bomb Magnets".)
4.When in doubt, empty your magazine.
5.Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
6.Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
7.If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
8.No plan survives the first contact intact.
9.All five-second grenade fuses will burn down in three seconds.
10.Try to look unimportant because the bad guys may still have ammo.
11.If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short.
12.The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
13.The important things are always simple.
14.The simple things are always hard.
15.The easy way is always mined.
16.If you are short of everything except enemy, you are in combat.
17.When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
18.Incoming fire has the right of way.
19.Friendly fire-isn't.
20.If the enemy is in range, "SO ARE YOU!!!"
21.No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
22.Beer math is: two beers times 37 men = 49 cases.
23.Body count math is: two guerillas plus one portable plus two pigs = 37 enemy killed in action.
24.Things that must be together to work, usually can't be shipped together.
25.Radio's will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.
26.Anything you do can get you shot-including doing nothing.
27.Tracers work both ways.
28.The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
29.Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
30.If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take.
31.When both sides are convinced that they are about to lose, they are both right.
32.Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
33.Murphy was a grunt.
34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
36. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather (and especially during both.)
37. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
38. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
39. Tracers work both ways.
40. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
41. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
42. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
45. Weather ain't neutral.
46. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
47. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
48. Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
49. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
50. Napalm is an area support weapon.
51. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
52. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
53. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
54. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
55. The one item you need is always in short supply.
56. Interchangeable parts aren't.
57. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
58. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
59. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
60. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
61. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
62. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
63. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
64. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
65. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
66. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
67. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
68. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
69. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
70. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
74. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
77. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
84. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
87. Murphy was a grunt.
88. Beer Math: 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
89. Body Count Math: 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
93. The crucial round is a dud.
94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
111. Walking point = sniper bait.
112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
114. Before you execute an order, wait for the counter order to avoid disruption at regimental level.
115. Before you execute an order, wait for the counter order to avoid confusion at company level.
116. Before you execute an order, wait for the counter order to avoid general panic at platoon level.
117. Before you execute a counter order, make sure you have NOT executed your prisoners of war while waiting for it.
118. All or any of the above combined.
 

bmaus

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A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post & no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have Molly the Camel.'

The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain climbs the ladder, pulls his pants down & has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No, not really, sir... They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.'
 
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joette ✞

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In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it.

She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said.

The men went to carve it in, but being the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:

"Returned unopened."
 
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Venus

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An elderly man and his wife are taking a stroll through the country when they spy a fence where they used to conduct their courting.
Excited by this, they make love furiously, with their arms and legs waving about everywhere.
When they are finished, the woman says, surprised, "You never had sex with me like that 50 years ago", to which the man replies "Well, that fence wasn't electric 50 years ago."
 
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Venus said:
An elderly man and his wife are taking a stroll through the country when they spy a fence where they used to conduct their courting.
Excited by this, they make love furiously, with their arms and legs waving about everywhere.
When they are finished, the woman says, surprised, "You never had sex with me like that 50 years ago", to which the man replies "Well, that fence wasn't electric 50 years ago."
LOL :)
 
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A pregnant woman gives birth to twin boys, but circumstances force her to give them up for adoption. One of the twins goes to an Egyptian family, which names him Amal, while the other goes to a Spanish family, which names him Juan. Many years later, the grown-up Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she is moved to tears. Between sobs, she says to her husband: “Oh, how I wish I had a photo of Amal as well.â€￾ Unmoved, her husband replies: “But my dear, they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.â€￾
 
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Venus said:
A pregnant woman gives birth to twin boys, but circumstances force her to give them up for adoption. One of the twins goes to an Egyptian family, which names him Amal, while the other goes to a Spanish family, which names him Juan. Many years later, the grown-up Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she is moved to tears. Between sobs, she says to her husband: “Oh, how I wish I had a photo of Amal as well.â€￾ Unmoved, her husband replies: “But my dear, they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.â€￾
HAHAHA another good one Venus!
 
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Older women
A guy had an interesting experience recently involving an “olderâ€￾ woman he met at a bar.

She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit and, while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he’d ever had a “sportsman’s doubleâ€￾ - a mother and daughter threesome.

He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth and, looking directly into his eyes, says, “Tonight’s your lucky night.â€￾

So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter her place, and she shouts upstairs:

“Mom! You still awake?â€￾
 

Charles Lovelace

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A drunk staggers into a Catholic church. He then enters the confessional booth and sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally the priest pounds three times on the wall and the drunk mumbles;
"Ain't no use knockin there's no paper on this side either !"
 

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A flight was being served by a gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood, as he served food and drinks. As the pilot prepared to descend, he came swishing and mincing down the aisle stating : "Capt.Marvey has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people if you could just put your trays up that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle he noticed that a well dressed, heavily bejewelled Arabic looking lady had not move a muscle. So he went up to her and said : "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said : "In my country, I am called a Princess and take orders from no one."
Without missing a beat the flight attendant replied: "Well, sweet-cheeks in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."
 
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If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)









The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves t o death. (Creepy.)






(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head of f.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)







The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.






(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)






The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.






(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-han ded people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) (probably another government expense)< /B>

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.






[[color:green]b](What about that pig??) [/b][/color]
 
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Willywemels said:
LMFAO Jo.
By the way call me piggywemels

HAHAHAAAAA..yeah what about them pigs? :p ;)
 

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' I D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake .
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realization...'I meant my dress size, you twat !!!'
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.....

 
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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...

...the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.

;)
 
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These are the top 17 bumper stickers that everyone wants to see:


Jesus loves you. But everyone else thinks you are an ass!


Impotence. Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."


The proctologist called. They found your head.


Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have any film.


Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date.


Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.


I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.


WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.


Guys, Just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.


Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me."


Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.


Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.


If you can read this..I can slam on my brakes and sue you.


Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.


Try not to let your mind wander..It is too small and fragile to be out
by itself.


Hang up and drive!!


And The Number One Bumper Sticker You'd Like To See!!


Welcome to America ... Now speak English!
 
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Tea Dance

It’s the Sunday tea-dance and they’ll all be here to-day; aches and pains forgotten, dance the afternoon away.

Foxtrots, quicksteps, waltzes, some are slow but some still nifty, with memories of how it was way back in 1950.

Norman’s in the toilet and he’s struggling to pee, he’s got trouble with his prostate, and he’ll likely miss his tea.

Eddy’s got a new love that he met in Cheadle Heath, she does a lovely tango but she hasn’t any teeth.

His latest fancy footwork nearly broke his partners neck; she mistook his outside swivel for a traverting contra check.

Ida’s had her hair done and she’s ready for the saunter, she had a vindaloo last night and it’s coming back to haunt her.

Florries mini-skirts revealing when she’s spinning in the jive, she really shouldn’t wear a thong approaching 85.

They’ve had their tea and cakes and chat and had a little laugh, and gamely rise with creaking knees to face the second half.

Norman’s made it back in time for rumba number one, his cucaracha’s very neat, but he’s left his flies undone.

Vera’s fallen over in a massive crimplene heap, Bert’s got indigestion and Mabel’s fell asleep. It’s last waltz time and up they get for Humperdinks old tune; and then Goodbye, good luck, take care, God willing see you soon.


 
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"Why did your boss jump out of the window?" the detective at the crime scene
asked the secretary.

"I don't know." she sobbed. "My boss was always so nice to me. Two months ago he
gave me a fur coat, last month a sports car and just today a diamond ring. Then
he asked, what it would cost to be able to ravish me."

"And what did you say to that?" asked the detective.

The secretary replied, "I just said, that the other men in the office always
just gave me fifty dollars."


 
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If this doesn't make you laugh -- then you must really be having a bad day!!! This is why we should know our limits when drinking tequila.

Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. 'What's up with the jar?'
Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. 'What are the three tests?'
Pay first, those are the rules.' says the bartender.

So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'OK,' the bartender says. 'Here's what you need to do:

First, You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, all at once ...and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third, There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her.'

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender, 'but your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, 'Wherez zat tequila?'
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit
bull yelping and then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

'Now,' he says. 'Where's the old woman with the sore tooth'

:crazy:
 
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Tillie - Maude - Gertrude

These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
 

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