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Keeping with tradition: Somebody tell us a joke

joette ✞

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This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife.

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.

Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!
 

joette ✞

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Advice to young women

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans, and helps care for the kids, and who makes money.

2. It is important to find a man who loves to spend money on you, and show you a good time.

3. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.

4. It is important that these three men never meet.
 

Cpl K

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THE THREE BEARS

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. 'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!'

 

Cpl K

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NAG NAG NAG !!

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at
midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door,
she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed,
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?
 

joette ✞

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Cpl K... said:
NAG NAG NAG !!

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at
midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door,
she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed,
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?
LMAO! ;)
 

joette ✞

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Is this a sign of Global warming??
 

joette ✞

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A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's dat?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno.

I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.


While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a heavy set old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..........

'Boy..................go gitcha Momma..............'
 

Aurelie3

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A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of America:

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you will go metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

John Cleese

*******************************************


REBUTTAL:






A message to John Cleese from the citizens of the United States of America:











In light of your threat to revoke our independence, we are assuredly certain that you are indeed a comedian, since no serious-minded Brit would ever forget so easily how America “whooped your arseâ€￾ in every battle ever fought on Yankee soil.







Of course, we would welcome your Queen to our shores any time, as her incredible fashion sense would lend itself nicely to Soho’s garment disctrict, San Francisco’s cross-dressing community, the U.S. wax museums, or any Easter parade.







We would also welcome Tony Blair to govern alongside of our esteemed President Bush. We have not been amused by a duo that hilarious since Abbott & Costello’s “Who’s On First?â€￾ routine. You needn’t threaten disbandment of Congress, however, as most of them sleep through sessions anyway (think Parliament, without the powdered wigs).







Thank you for the tips re: transition to a British Crown Dependency. While we are most confident we will never need them, we would like to reciprocate with a few tips of our own to facilitate your visit or immigration to the country of purple mountains and amber waves of grain (after all, most of your former citizens now make up America’s most beloved rock and roll bands anyway):





1.) Please leave your Oxford English Dictionary at home. We use Webster’s, as Webbie was a Harvard man, and we do so enjoy pandering to our Ivy League pseudo-intellectuals (think Tony Blair, prior to the last election). Webbie spells “aluminumâ€￾ as it sounds. But since you are fond of adding useless “Uâ€￾’s to words as decoration, please feel free to spell it “aluminoumâ€￾ while you are here. We don’t mind. After all, we are the Melting Pot of the world, and while your superiority complex would indeed stand out among our average citizenry, your inability to conform to our speech patterns or anything else Americana would likely land you a job at any American phone company in its customer service department, or as cabbies in New York City.





2.) “Likeâ€￾ and “you knowâ€￾ are keywords used by American teens to gauge parental aggravation. We are not happy about the overuse of these words by our youth, but compared to the British “poppycockâ€￾ and “I say, old beanâ€￾, we consider ourselves lucky. By the way, are British lads wearing long pants yet? Feel free to legally import our K-Mart “Blue Light Specialâ€￾ denim jeans to sell in the UK for $200 per pair. We like to share our wealth, and would rather you went about the importation of goods to the UK in a more dignified and legal way, rather than smuggling them, so that we can reap the tax benefits. It’s only fair.





3.) Feel free to attempt the conversion of the Microsoft spell-checker. We understand Bill Gates spends more time and money on your shores than ours anyway, thus making it difficult to contact him from here, unless of course you get in touch with one of your immigrant comrades at the phone company.





4.) We find it interesting that you refer to “God Save The Queenâ€￾ as your “national anthemâ€￾. In fact, it is sung in the United Kingdom only as a matter of tradition. It has never been proclaimed the national anthem by any Act of Parliament or Royal Proclamation. But regardless of this oversight on your part, we thank you for the chuckle in stanza #2 of your country’s traditional song:



“O Lord, our God, arise,
Scatter thine enemies,
And make them fall:
Confound their politics,
Frustrate their knavish tricks,
On thee our hopes we fix:
God save us all.â€￾



Perhaps you would have better luck peddling this song to Iraq, as we are certain they dislike our "knavish tricks". However, you may be forced to substitute “Godâ€￾ for another diety, should you decide to take us up on our suggestion. May we suggest “Goud,â€￾ to satisfy your love for the letter “Uâ€￾?






5.) Should you decide to cancel July 4th, we feel obliged to warn you: you and your comrades would most assuredly be found at every Redneck barbecue on the rotisserie with apples in your mouths. Trust us - you don’t mess with a hillbilly’s right to celebrate with beer and fireworks.






6.) Although it is written in stone in the Second Amendment to our Constitution, thus making it a citizen’s right, it is a fallisy to state that every American carries a weapon. We hide them in our toddlers’ diapers instead. Knowing you would recognize (recognise?) the dry humour in this, allow us to be frank: a Brit’s askewed view of America can be traced to the BBC. (After all, what else are you going to watch? Coronation Street?) BBC is fed news from America via either Los Angeles or New York City, which cities are the Top 2 in America known for violent crime. Saying all Americans own and/or use guns regularly, based on the news from the BBC, is akin to Americans saying all Brits have bad teeth, love gossip, and liquidate their paychecks in pubs, based on the news we receive from your tabloids and homely BBC broadcasters. As well, our lawyers are much like your barristers, only they get to keep a great deal more of their earnings since we have no Queen to keep in the lap of luxury. And strangely enough, our most famous therapists drive British automobiles, so you should be thanking them for your jobs – the ones you have to go to Germany to get.




7.) We thank you for your offer to convert our English system of measurement to metric. It is far more accurate, and when measuring petrol, we want to get our nine-tenth’s worth. Paying $6/US gallon will probably happen when our troops are withdrawn from the Middle East. Sadly, this would cause your gasoline costs to double, unless you can somehow figure out how to convert the oil-covered Thames River into petrol. Speaking of oil rich England (British humour here), we feel that roundabouts, though fun for the young, would seriously impair our elderly population. It is hard enough for us to get them to turn off their right-turn blinkers on the highway, much less keep them from serious vertigo should they be forced to drive around in circles all day.




8.) Real chips are neither US fries nor British crisps. They are poker chips, used at all of our native-run casinos. Since the Pocahontas incident probably absolved you from native animosity on our shores, I’m sure you would be welcome to spend your hard earned pounds at their tables. Just a hint: Blackjack is also called 21, but since you are accustomed to the metric system - and we would want to accommodate your customs - Blackjack, for you, would also be called 3, although the same rules as 21 would apply. We wouldn’t want you to lose your return British Airways ticket money at our casinos, so you can thank us later.




9.) While we Americans often walk on the wild side and sample British beer you can eat with a spoon fresh from the microwave, we are happier using our amber waves of grain in dark bread instead of sludgy beer. If it’s bug urine taste you seek, may we suggest you try the beer from the country north of us, with creative names like “Canadianâ€￾.




10.) We agree with you that Hollywood’s lack of English actors is abominable, especially in comedies, considering the grasp of humour for which you Brits are well known the world over. However, we truly enjoyed Sir John Gielgud’s performance in “Arthurâ€￾. But could you please do us a favour and take Elton John home? Ever since he gave up his vast array of sunglasses and fashionable conservative British performance attire, we have no use for him here.




11.) We cannot, in good conscience, allow you to interfere with American football. Its athletic scholarship programs are the only ways Goober and Gomer from the Ozarks can graduate from prestigious universities and become the lawyers we so desperately need. Further, we cannot allow you to dispense with American baseball, either. Bookies are people, too - just ask Pete Rose – and our unemployment rate is high enough.




12.) “You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.â€￾ Hmmm…you guys really need another TV show besides "Have You Been Serv'd?" and reruns of "Benny Hill". Though the CIA and FBI pale in comparison to the Keystone Kops you call "bobbies", we will pacify your curiosity, British tabloid style: Ari Onassis probably put the hit on JFK. He and Jackie were hotter than Jack and Marilyn. Ari had more money than “Goudâ€￾, so he could afford to escape conviction by hiring to Gomer The Lawyer.




13.) Although we believe our debts to your country we paid in full when we allowed British rock music and shaggy haircuts to invade America, we can certainly understand why your IRS agents are backlogged, what with draining your taxpayers to feed the royal family and all. See you in another 200 years.14.) We Americans would certainly welcome a daily 4:00 tea time, as well as your customary early workday skip to the pub an hour before work is supposed to end. We’d also like a daily Mexican 2-hour siesta, and a Canadian civil holiday each and every month. At that rate, our traditional 40-hour work week would be reduced to a scant 9 hour week, leaving us more free time to make more American babies in whose diapers we can hide more guns. It’s the American way!




Welcome to America! Thank you for your interest, and have a nice day!



 

joette ✞

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Why Men Usually Die First

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries but, now we know.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race...you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.

If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your
lazy - ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.

If you cry............you're a wimp.

If you don't........you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.

If SHE asks you.........it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form, and frilly underwear......you're a pervert.

If you don't..............you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.

If you don't.................you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.

If you don't................you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers.............you've did something or want something.

If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of yourself.

If you don't....................you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache............she's tired.

If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.

If you don't................there must be someone else.

So you ask, 'Why do men die first?'

Men try so hard for so long to be the perfect mate that they finally just give
up.
 
V

Venus

Unregistered
Why We Love Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'


2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'


3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''


4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'


5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'


6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'


7. A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'


8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.


9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'


10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play

with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're

too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'


11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,

'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'


:D
 

joette ✞

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Venus said:
Why We Love Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'


2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'


3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''


4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'


5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'


6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'


7. A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'


8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.


9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'


10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play

with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're

too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'


11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,

[highlight]'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'[/highlight]

:D



LMAO! :)
 

joette ✞

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WHERE DO REDHEAD BABIES COME FROM?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.

She can't possibly be mine.'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said.

'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?' The man seemed a bit ashamed.

'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently……
…
....
…..
…...
…….
……..
……...
'It's rust.'

:crazy:


 

joette ✞

In Memoriam....Retired and missed Mod ...
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A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F.
Tee-shirt.
'Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on
Monday?'
'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a
Religious T-shirt.
I thought it meant
Tits-Go-In-Front
 
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Got this in an email yesterdy. It's new to me hope it's new to you.

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

-----------------------

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

-------------------

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in

Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

---------------------

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!
 

Mise

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It's at the top of this page already.
 

joette ✞

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mise said:
It's at the top of this page already.
Yes and with the rebuttal also. :p
 

Miette

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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every
year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'



Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty
quid,and fifty quid is fifty quid.'



One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther,
I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another
chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter is fifty quid, and
fifty quid is fifty quid.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire
ride and not say a word, I won't charge you!
But if you say one word, it's fifty quid.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did
everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm
impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Esther fell out, but ...

... you know ...

...fifty quid is fifty quid.'

 
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