Keeping with tradition: Somebody tell us a joke

pzztt

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An Arab couple travel to London and when they arrive in hotel's room, wife went to bathroom and cries "faaar, faaar", husband ran and find a rat there (far means rat in Arabic). So, husband decide call the service room to they took rat out from room, but he does not how call rat in English:
-Hello, is it from service room?
-Yes, Sir, it does. What can we help?
-Ah... hmm... do you know Tom and Jerry?
-Yes, Sir, I know Tom and Jerry.
-Allahu Aqbar! Jerry is here.
 

okidoki

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Afghan Intelligence says Taliban leader Mullah Omar died 2 years ago.

The Taliban are a Mullah light.
 

Bags

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A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries. The only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lollypop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochy poo?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f**king beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf**king snacks, because you are married now, and you're going nowhere, arsehole"

....and, they lived happily ever after.
 

Bags

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Now this really got me laughing haha!!

AUTUMN CLASSES FOR MEN
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Friday August 28, 2015
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Classes begin Tuesday, September 1st , 2015

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10 :00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7 :00 PM.

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered .
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
 

SLehman

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Coffee and Testicles:

A guy goes into the U.S. Postal Service to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one
tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, " Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, " If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM , why do you want me to wait until 10:00 AM?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
 

SLehman

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Airman, Guardsman Heroically Subdue Media Interest In Female Army Rangers


PARIS, France — Two American servicemen are being hailed after they subdued media interest in female Army Rangers, sources confirmed today. A civilian who also participated is being widely disregarded.

Sr. Airman Spencer Stone and Oregon National Guard Spc. Alek Skarlatos acted swiftly to move the news cycle along after it remained stagnant on the topic of women in combat for more than week, by tackling a man who apparently opened fire on a high speed train in France.

“We knew it was time for action,â€￾ said Stone. “We had to do something before everyone forgot there were men in the armed forces at all.â€￾

The story has virtually eclipsed any mention of two Army officers who will be the first women to do things other women haven’t done before, or something.

The female soldier’s accomplishment comes in the same week as an announcement by top Navy leaders that the service plans to open its elite SEAL teams to wo- HOLY CRAP AMERICANS ARE STOMPING THE DOG SHIT OUT OF A TERRORIST ON A TRAIN!

Duffel Blog Editor Paul and intrepid reporter Dark Laughter contributed to this story.

Short URL: http://duffelblog.com/MwuDU


Read more: http://www.duffelblog.com/2015/08/service-men-subdue-media-interest-female-rangers/#ixzz3jgxoKwpy
 

SLehman

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Pentagon Angered At Speed Of French Military Awards System


 Lee Ho Fuk

 August 27, 2015

ï￾» The Pentagon


Read more: http://www.duffelblog.com/2015/08/pentagon-french-train-awards/#ixzz3k7QVUAzJ


WASHINGTON, D.C. — American military officials are reportedly shocked at the speed at which France was able to approve of their nation’s highest award which was presented to American Airman Spencer Stone, Spc. Alek Skarlatos, and some random civilians who participated in the righteous beating of a terrorist last week in Paris.

“This was easy when we originally thought it was Marines,â€￾ said Sergeant Maj. of the Marine Corps Ronald Green. “I had their charge sheets all written up and was ready to read them their Article 31 rights over the phone, but man, what a letdown.â€￾

Other senior members of the armed forces are grappling with how to deal with this blatant breach in the American military tradition of foot dragging and outright dismissal of awards for junior enlisted personnel.

“There’s no way Airman Spencer rates an actual Legion d’Honneur,â€￾ said Chief Master Sgt. of the Air Force James Cody. “We’ll probably just submit it as a Letter of Appreciation in his record book. It’s not like it will get him any points for promotion anyway.â€￾

Shortly after Cody’s remarks, it was announced Airman Spencer would be nominated for the Air Force’s highest non-combat award for being wounded while engaging in hand-to-hand combat with a fully armed enemy.

Major Gen. Daniel R. Hokanson, the Adjutant General of the Oregon National Guard, agrees.

“Spc. Skarlatos hasn’t even earned an ARCOM yet,â€￾ said Hokanson. “How in the world can we justify this medal? Besides, I don’t have one.â€￾

Hokanson further pointed out that Skarlatos hadn’t re-certified on the online Level 1 Antiterrorism Awareness module so he couldn’t possibly rate a medal for actually fighting terrorism.

Some senior officials speculate the French didn’t bother to hold an awards board, where in American tradition, awards are sent back to be rewritten multiple times until the originator quits trying in frustration. In other cases the submission is downgraded to a certificate of commendation so junior service members do not earn an award greater than any officers they are subordinate to.

“Rank has nothing to do with the military awards process,â€￾ said Chief of Staff of the Army Gen. Mark Milley. “Except that it does.â€￾

Senior enlisted from both services are salivating in anticipation of forcing both servicemen to verbally provide the guidance allowing them to wear the award.

Duffel Blog writer Davies contributed reporting.


Read more: http://www.duffelblog.com/2015/08/pentagon-french-train-awards/#ixzz3k7Q0xWMd
 
M

Martin Scott

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He said She Said
If this causes offence sorry Im Not pc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

How do you make five pounds of fat look good/
Put a nipple on it!

What's the difference between your job and your wife.
Well your job will still suck after five years!

What does the mafia and a pussy have in common.
Well one slip of the tongue and your in the shit!!

What's the difference between a penis and a bonus
Well your wife will always blow your bonus.!!

Which sexual positions produce the ugliest children.
Don't know ask your Mum.

How are women and tornadoes alike.
They both moan like hell when they come and take the house when they leave!

Why did God create Adam Frist. Before Eve.
He didn't want anybody telling him how to make Adam.

Why do men find is so difficult to make eye contact.
Breasts don't have eyes.
Well its Friday and so I forgot one
what's the difference between apathy and ignorance.

I don't know and don't give a shit either.
What's pink and hard first thing in the morning.
The FT crossword/

what GOES I HARD COMES OUT WET AND SOGGY
a RAT PACK T BAG.
 
M

Martin Scott

Unregistered
Remember a story told to me many moons a go in Munster Germany.
A young Guardsman goes to Munster's biggest brothel.

Only problem there's only one girl left very pretty but blind (you had to hand it to her)
As she undressing the bloke notices at lot of warts on her left Buttock and mentions it!!!!
Nein that's my price list in Braille.
So after the for mentioned he decides to creep out get dressed and just reach's the door,
When she says how about the marks.
his reply 10 out of 10 girl.
 

BobbyS

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Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east in Hwy. 74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee river bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burley man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk to her down off the railing, and says, " Hey Baby....watcha doin up there on that railin?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either, so he asked...."Well, before you jump Honey-Babe...why don't you give ol' George here your best kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that....and it was long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and he says, " Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed...
 
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USMC and 40 Cdo RM were undertaking joint training in the USA. One morning the USMC hoisted a flag stating ; USMC SECOND TO NONE.

The next day 40 Cdo hoisted their flag with the one simple word ; NONE.
 

Ex-Pongo

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USMC and 40 Cdo RM were undertaking joint training in the USA. One morning the USMC hoisted a flag stating ; USMC SECOND TO NONE.

The next day 40 Cdo hoisted their flag with the one simple word ; NONE.
Well played Forty
 

Don Pedro

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The other day, i were so down i called up the 'Suicide hotline'. I got a call center somewhere & some arsehole with a funny accent answered me and when i told him my story and that i were suicidal, they got all excited and asked me if i could drive a lorry (that's a truck for you over the pond). I said yes, but then my neighbour knocked on my door and invited me for grilled pork chops and booze, since then i am relaxed and happy, i keep on smiling. :)
 

BobbyS

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A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marine Corps and eventually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide. The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The young officer replied, "Why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The General got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

She answered, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also. The third interview was with a Marine Gunnery Sergeant. He was articulate, squared away, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (typical).

The General wanted this Gunny, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir, you wear contact lenses."

The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't even mention ears. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" Asked the General.

The sharp-witty Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears."
 

Nickfury

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A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marine Corps and eventually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide. The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The young officer replied, "Why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The General got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

She answered, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also. The third interview was with a Marine Gunnery Sergeant. He was articulate, squared away, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (typical).

The General wanted this Gunny, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir, you wear contact lenses."

The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't even mention ears. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" Asked the General.

The sharp-witty Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears."
Holy Fack! I literally laughed out loud...might have woke the neighbors. :D hehe Good one!
 

SLehman

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Japanese Emperor Admits Pearl Harbor ‘Kind of a Dick Move’

CHIYODA, Japan — This morning, on the 73rd anniversary of Pearl Harbor, Emperor Akihito admitted in a public comment that the Japanese sneak attack that brought the United States into World War Two was “kind of a dick move.â€￾

“We are taking the time to express Our regret for a wrong committed over 70 years ago,â€￾ the Emperor began. “This week, after seeing a news report about a Pearl Harbor veteran ceremony, We thought to ourself, ‘Man, that was kind of a dick move, We should probably make an expression that acknowledges that.'â€￾

The emperor said he used the American slang to make his message more heartfelt and appealing to his US audience, according to a Japanese political analyst.

“Really, what the hell were we thinking? That was a really weird time for us,â€￾ Akihito added.

Akihito made the stunning remarks during a speech at the Yasukuni Shrine, a controversial Shinto site which commemorates the names of Japanese soldiers killed in service to the Empire. Among the names are those of war criminals hanged by international tribunal.

“We would also like to note that that this announcement has absolutely nothing to do with an upcoming $10 billion arms deal with the United States for new Aegis guided missile destroyers,â€￾ Akihito added at the end of his remarks.

The announcement stunned onlookers and infuriated governments across the region, especially China, whose people suffered some of the worst atrocities at the hands of the Japanese Empire during the war, including the infamous Rape of Nanking, where over 100,000 women were forced into sex slavery for Japanese soldiers and an estimated 300,000 citizens were killed.

Although Akihito apologized for the Nanking incident in 1995, he refused to issue a written statement. Many Japanese history books still refer to that conflict as the War of Western Aggression.

While US officials praised the announcement, many on social media have criticized the emperor for not going further and condemning his country’s role in the creation and distribution of Hello Kitty, Pokemon, tentacle porn, and ridiculous game shows.

“This is complete bullshit,â€￾ said Chinese General Secretary Xi Jinping in an official statement after hearing about the incident. “If he keeps this shit up the People’s Republic of China will make the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki look like firecrackers. Hypothetically, of course.â€￾

At press time analysts noted that throughout the entire speech Akihito didn’t ever actually use the words “sorry,â€￾ “apologizeâ€￾ or even “our bad,â€￾ for the 1941 attack.

Read more: http://www.duffelblog.com/2015/12/28825/#ixzz3thT3Ri1w
 

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