Keeping with tradition: Somebody tell us a joke

SLehman

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Enraged Pope Vows To Enlist In The French Foreign Legion

VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis has vowed to enlist in the French Foreign Legion and deploy to Syria, an unprecedented move prompted by a series of terrorist attacks by ISIS, Duffel Blog has learned.

Officials confirm that the Pope has declared himself a “conscientious objector to the existence of ISISâ€￾ and plans to take part in direct combat. Though his Eminence must first obtain an age-waiver and graduate from boot camp; a feat other heads of state can only hope to match.

Jacques Trudeau, Commandant of the Swiss Guard, assured Duffel Blog that the Pope was deadly serious. “His Eminence has been doing burpees for over four hours,â€￾ he said. “I haven’t seen him this worked up since New Orleans claimed they ‘eradicated veterans’ homelessness.â€￾

Pope Francis has also reversed his stance on gun manufacturers and declared them Christians again. “His Holiness’s views have evolved,â€￾ a Vatican spokesperson explained, “Now is perhaps a good time to be in the company of Western merchants of death, yes?â€￾

The Pontifex also criticized America for its legislative gridlock surrounding the war against the terrorist group. Sources confirmed that he spiritually guided former Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) to pass the Fiscal Year 16 Defense Authorization, but was unable to push further and call for a new Authorization For Use of Military Force.

The Pope instead took matters into his own hands and has declared a Holy Authorization of Force for all Western forces.

“These mongrels attacked a pillar of French culture: American death metal bands,â€￾ the Pope declared in a press conference. “Divine justice must be served, and I intend it to be a full-course meal.â€￾


Read more: http://www.duffelblog.com/2015/11/pope-francis-french-legion/#ixzz3tmlKdxe3
 

SLehman

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"If we could convince the Chinese that Jihadists’ testicles are an aphrodisiac,
in 10 years they would be extinct ... "
 

Don Pedro

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3 drunken guys enterd a Taxi. The taxi driver knew they were far beyond 'drunk' so he starts the engine and turns it off again. He tells them " we are at the destination". The 1st man pays, the 2nd says " thank you" the 3rd gives him a slap. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd guy knew what he did. But he asked "whats that for?" The 3rd drunk replied:" CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us!...
 

SLehman

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Abstinence




A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.
After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked,
"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.

Finally the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich doesn't it?"
 

Sarahlouise

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A politician, a reporter and a Soldier were captured by Daesh and told they were to be beheaded. All 3 were offered a last request before the deed was done. The politician asked that he could hear "the international" one last time. A recording of the communist anthem was duly found and played out to the teary-eyed leftie. The reporter requested that he be allowed to address the camera used to record the executions so that he got his face on TV even after he died. The terrorists agreed to this. The Soldier simply asked that each of the terrorists present gave him a kick up the arse before he was beheaded. Bemused, they did as he asked. As the last extremist boot went in, the Soldier pitched forward, rolled, whipped out the browning 9mm he had concealed in his trousers and started shooting till he ran out of ammo. Grabbing an AK47 from the dead terrorist, he calmly finished off his would-be executioners before pulling out a Cuban cigar and lighting it from his hot gun barrel. The amazed reporter and politician thanked the Soldier profusely but were puzzled as to why he had asked for the arse-kicking before he performed his heroics.
"Well", says the Soldier, "when we get back to the UK, I can't have you two stringing me up for an unprovoked attack".
 

SLehman

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A politician, a reporter and a Soldier were captured by Daesh and told they were to be beheaded. All 3 were offered a last request before the deed was done. The politician asked that he could hear "the international" one last time. A recording of the communist anthem was duly found and played out to the teary-eyed leftie. The reporter requested that he be allowed to address the camera used to record the executions so that he got his face on TV even after he died. The terrorists agreed to this. The Soldier simply asked that each of the terrorists present gave him a kick up the arse before he was beheaded. Bemused, they did as he asked. As the last extremist boot went in, the Soldier pitched forward, rolled, whipped out the browning 9mm he had concealed in his trousers and started shooting till he ran out of ammo. Grabbing an AK47 from the dead terrorist, he calmly finished off his would-be executioners before pulling out a Cuban cigar and lighting it from his hot gun barrel. The amazed reporter and politician thanked the Soldier profusely but were puzzled as to why he had asked for the arse-kicking before he performed his heroics.
"Well", says the Soldier, "when we get back to the UK, I can't have you two stringing me up for an unprovoked attack".
Absolutely brilliant, thanks Sarah.
 
M

Martin Scott

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A politician, a reporter and a Soldier were captured by Daesh and told they were to be beheaded. All 3 were offered a last request before the deed was done. The politician asked that he could hear "the international" one last time. A recording of the communist anthem was duly found and played out to the teary-eyed leftie. The reporter requested that he be allowed to address the camera used to record the executions so that he got his face on TV even after he died. The terrorists agreed to this. The Soldier simply asked that each of the terrorists present gave him a kick up the arse before he was beheaded. Bemused, they did as he asked. As the last extremist boot went in, the Soldier pitched forward, rolled, whipped out the browning 9mm he had concealed in his trousers and started shooting till he ran out of ammo. Grabbing an AK47 from the dead terrorist, he calmly finished off his would-be executioners before pulling out a Cuban cigar and lighting it from his hot gun barrel. The amazed reporter and politician thanked the Soldier profusely but were puzzled as to why he had asked for the arse-kicking before he performed his heroics.
"Well", says the Soldier, "when we get back to the UK, I can't have you two stringing me up for an unprovoked attack".
Coffee snort time pmsl.
 

Perun

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A few mates came to visit their friend. They were having beer and conversation which all resulted with one of them saying: let's go on a fishing trip! They all agried, only the host said: " I'll inform my wife about it, be right back!".
A few monutes later he comes back and half angry says: " Who cares what she says - you guys go ahead and enjoy your fishing trip!".
 

SLehman

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After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.
He was in a hospital, in agonizing pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function — and an absolutely stunning, gorgeous and sexy nurse hovering over him, looking worried. He realized he was in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?"
 

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So a cannibal shows up late to the luncheon.....

they gave him the cold shoulder.

(Please don't ban me. :) )
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
I really love bad jokes.
 

Joseph Cosgrove

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Heaven is :
The police are British.
The chefs are Italians
the Mechanics are Germans
The Lovers are French
The organizers are Swiss

Hell is:
The police are Germans
The chefs are British
The Mechanics are French
The Lovers are Swiss
The organizers are Italians
 

jonny

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A bloke is going through the desert on a donkey and a few weeks into his journey starts to badly miss female company....so in desperation decides to 'do' the donkey.

As soon as the bloke gets round the back of donkey, the donkey whips its head around and the bloke nearly gets his member bitten off by the donkeys large yellow gnashing teeth. 'F**king hell' shouts the bloke, 'I'm not going to try that again' and continues on his journey.

However, a few days later, the blokes natural urges are getting the better of him, and he tries again with the donkey, and again, the donkey whips its head around, and attempts to bite the blokes member off with its huge yellow teeth.

'Bloody hell' said the bloke, jumping back in fear 'I'm never going to get any satisfaction at this rate'.

A few days later however, the bloke rides up to an oasis in the desert, and underneath a shady palm tree finds a beautiful lady, who, for unknown reasons has been tied up and abandoned there.

'Save me' cries the lady 'Save me and I will do anything for you....and I do mean anything'!

'Aha' thinks the bloke 'Now is my chance to satisfy with my urges' and unties the lady and gives her some water and food. The young lady rested for a while, and feeling much better after eating and drinking, remembers her promise to her saviour.

'I promised I'd do anything for you, and I will keep that promise' she said to our hero with a smile and a wink.

The bloke nodded, lowered his trousers and with a smile said:

'Tell ya what love, hold onto this bloody donkeys head will ya?' :p
Hi, that joke is actually an Arab joke. Only with a camel, not a donkey. I heard it first time in Qatar in the 1980s. Amazing it’s still going.
 

Joseph Cosgrove

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How Army rank originated:
"Where does the rank Lance Jack and Full Screw come from?
It goes back to Roman times when a group of farmers, tired of being pillaged and slaughtered by the Roman troops in Britain decided to fight back. They made a plan to form a rebellion and someone noticed the lack of leadership. Asking for volunteers to be leaders, Lancius Jakus and his older brother Fuullus Screwus put their hands up. As the force grew in size, a natural leader emerged called Tharge who later went on to kill the marauding Roman leader with his own big stick, called a staaf. He adopted the name Staaf Tharge in recognition of his win. As tactics evolved over time, Staaf Tharge noticed the Romans adopted a 'swarming technique' used by ants. He studied them closely and he made him self the War Ant Officer. For every battle that he won, he added a number. Unfortunately by the time he got to War Ant Officer Two he had to retire because of the then undiagnosed 'Irritable bowel syndrome' and he spent a lot of his time as a Loo Tennant.
 
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Are religious jokes banned Joe? Don´t want to upset the Liberals on here do we.. :ROFLMAO:
 

Joseph Cosgrove

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Are religious jokes banned Joe? Don´t want to upset the Liberals on here do we.. :ROFLMAO:
As long as they don't outrageously effect anyone region.
I remember going through 3 REI (Feb 86- Feb 88) with a bunch of either Catholics or prods and at least one of the other religion. Boy did that guy suffer, luckily he had a guy called Stevie Mullen who was ex-medics corps and ex-champion boxer to keep an eye on him.
Remind me tomorrow to recount a couple of stories about him.
 
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As long as they don't outrageously effect anyone region.
I remember going through 3 REI (Feb 86- Feb 88) with a bunch of either Catholics or prods and at least one of the other religion. Boy did that guy suffer, luckily he had a guy called Stevie Mullen who was ex-medics corps and ex-champion boxer to keep an eye on him.
Remind me tomorrow to recount a couple of stories about him.
yes write about it. Talking of Boxing we had some good boxers in our Battery. The best was a guy from Glasgow. really was fast. He came from a Boxing background his whole family were boxers. Dropped a few guys quickly. was not a bully though good guy. I shared a room with his friend from Mary Hill Glasgow. top guys. was at my wedding with half the Battery.. :) The battery Sgt Maj let them come even though there was a parade on. good times.
 
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